unorder

To be honest I've never been a fan of symmetry. It's so boring and predictable! So I'm always a little annoyed when symmetry pops up somewhere, it makes things feel contrived. Fortunately the world works its wonders. The same sort of forces that insist on perfect symmetry appearing in life will just as quickly tear it down in time. Its like the whole universe keeps trying to compensate from something.

unch

I eat so much food its expensive! For the past few months I've been trying to be smarter about the money I spend, especially on food, but I find myself eating all the time! One huge meal a day is expensive, two big meals, three normal meals, five quick meals... I go through my refrigerator like Pac Man racing the ghosts down the last line of dots. I wish I could set a side small groups of food and then they could reproduce amongst themselves and then I could eat their offspring. Is that too weird?

personal archeology

My current/old roommates finally started moving their stuff out again! It's a good thing since I need to room to move my stuff in. I thought I had almost cleared out my old apartment... until I checked the closets! Deep-fried-doedicurus! That was a whole new world of stuff! Mainly just a massive stacks of small loose items, papers, and things I can't tell if I need! I feel like I'm digging up an ancient mini civilization of me being disorganized. I did find a check for $30 I hadn't cashed; grant money! I've been saying it for weeks now but I'll keep on it: tomorrow my goal is to get my stuff the hell outta that place!

lucky!

One thing I love about my new apartment is that the shower never runs out of hot water. I also like how the washer and dryer are so convenient to use! Even if sweat and impending job interviews call for it, I can do as much laundry and take as many comfortable showers as I want! I feel exhausted. This transition thing is hard work!

independence interdependence dependance

Well I've gone and started a mess. Typically I don't like being so impulsive and I don't think I've ever done anything so risky in my entire life for something so unassured, farfetched, and maybe even unimportant, but thinking back to when I made my decision I remember having a strangely strong conviction in what I decided to do. Then I carried through with it and here I am in this situation now. I'm by no means assured that anything good is going to come of this and the more I think about it the scarier it seems but in a weird way I know its the right decision. I guess this is the feeling people talk about when they describe religious experiences.

enpo

I find that I'm more comfortable being boring. My mom always tried to tell me how good looking I am, my dad always tried to tell me I'm smart, once my sister even resorted to saying that I was maybe creative. But at any one of those things I'm at best midrange average. To say anything otherwise would be wishful thinking in complete forced ignorance of my current situation. I'm not slow, not fast, not smart, patient, calm, careful, charismatic, noble, honest, athletic, or endearing. In absolutely no way am I exceptional. I'm a terrible example someone who is amazing, but I'd maybe I can be happy regardless.

gogo

Moving sucks. Especially when everyone leaves town. How am I supposed to get a couch or Grim moved now?! The bed that's in my room isn't comfortable, I want to move my bed in ASAP. Although even if someone was here to help me move, the current residents are pretty lax about getting the hell outta here. I spitefully switched all of the air vents off; I'm the only one whose home during the hot hours anyway.

Time is like a river, you'll drown if you can't swim.

On days like today, when people feel the need to show me how bad I’ve been at the whole college thing, I think of all the time I’ve wasted. If I had been where I am today four year… three years… two years… heck I’d even take one year, I might actually be proud of my prospects. But man, four years into this mess and I just now get to where I am psychologically, emotionally, and physically… it seems like a bit much. I guess the brighter side of that is that because I’ve spent the past four years where I’ve been and doing what I've done, I can feel confident in the progression I've made in the past half year. I’ve now become the person I wanted to be four years ago. That still doesn’t sound ideal, but it doesn’t sound all too bad either. I’ll take that.

now i'm on the move...

As usual, I’m in despite need of done laundry. And with the washer and dryer available in the Gateway apartments, I decided to get cracking (kraken!) I moved all my dirty laundry, consisting of about half my bedding all my clothes with the exception of some socks and my snazzy dress stuff, and one small box of books and assorted things (my TV and my Wii). On my way out I noticed my neighbor, a young woman who raises her 3 girls with her young husband and who I’ve often seen chain smoking on the walkways and in their white minivan, was outside on the phone. She asked me if I was moving and my first thought was ‘Oh crap she caught me! How do I lie out of this one?!’ That’s not healthy and I decided to concede the point. We had a short conversation of introductions. I asked her how she liked Texas from Kansas and she apologized for when her 6 year old ran by ringing my door bell over and over. It was funny to hear her talk because she sounded like her jaw was perpetually clenched. And that’s how I met my neighbor of almost six months: Casey, the taking-a-year-off-from-work elementary school teacher from Kansas. We both probably still regard each other as a little unusual.

Anticipation.

With the school semester over and summer break beginning I’m happy to start thinking about what goals I need to start thinking about (and given my situation I need to start thinking about a lot of goals). The key to a summer that will put me where I want to be come fall is not wasting this first week. Sitting down to play addictive video games or picking up an insane 15 hour sleep schedule (intermittent wit playing addictive video games)… I’ve made all those mistakes before and I’ve almost learned a lesson from it. I’d remember it better if I hadn’t just rolled out of bed to play Advance Wars: DS a second ago…

solitude.

It's always weird to walk outside late at night. Not midnight, as with the age of electricity and computers have rendered that the prior status of 'evening', but in the early morning hours. It's strangely empty, strangely quiet, and strangely foggy. I don't spend much time outside around that time but whenever I find myself there, it always creeps into my mind "there aren't many people here". From what I can tell, people angle their time to try and escape either themselves or other people. I've always been the type motivated by the urge to escape others (hence the reason I'm so lazy and useless living alone). Back in high school, waiting in front of the NAC, I'd often be out in the wee hours of the morning and that empty, quiet fog would be there. I remember something similar going to the beach before sunrise in Galveston. Those are times, when I'm outside in that majestically unoccupied space, I notice how easy it is to breathe. It makes me notice how, without even thinking about it, during my daily life, while I'm surrounded by other people, I pour so much energy into pretending I'm alone.

entitlement.

If I had to assign myself my greatest personal flaw, it would be my sense of entitlement. The assumption goes beyond me feeling like things are going to lay themselves out for me to feeling like things should lay themselves out for me. They're meant to. I'm entitled. When I was younger I thought that's what it meant to be confidant, but as I get older I think that might just be delusional and lazy.