Internet Profiling

I was in one of my classes the other day to, you know, to break up the monotony of being physically in class. One of the main themes we talked about, on the subject of memoirs, was self representation. In the terms of the internet, self representation takes on a whole new dynamic. There's a drastic change between representation and reality in some communities, like with furries. (If anyone isn't familiar with what a 'furry' is, take the safe search off and Google 'yiff'. Be amazed at the capacity of the human imagination.) But even the majority of users (and therefore the majority of people) realize that 'webpresentation has become very close to a real life representation. People get up, dress for the day, and check their email. Throughout the day, like someone checking their hair in a mirror, people check their Facebook pages. I have friends that police the activity of Friends on their Facebook page because a bad Facebook associations are just as bad as having real life delinquent friends. In this way, you could say that the internet has given people just another way to represent themselves in the present, their virtual life in parallel to their real life.

There's a strange flip side to this though. Online profiles and the ilk behave a little differently than real life representations. Unlike casual associations, where people drift apart and forget, the online world remains pristinely static. For instance, if you were to ask old high school acquaintances what they thought about me, you'd probably get a short description of poorly timelined events... maybe even some rumors if you were lucky; I wasn't ever someone that noticeable or popular. However, my old high-school LiveJournal is still exactly how I left it. All the things that fade in the memory of people are preserved in perfect stasis (until I eventually get uneasy and delete them, as I'm sure I'll need to do one day when I go job hunting).

The reason I'll probably have to delete them though is another disconnect: while these self representations are all brutally honest (There's basically one one thing that I never mention in any of them), these perfect copies of frames in time are often outdated! Self representation online makes itself difficult when you look at honest representations that are now disingenuous as they are dated but presented in the present tense. No where on my LifeJournal is written a preface that says "This is me 10 years ago, and here's some context that relates it to today." If you didn't pay attention to the dates, you'd think I was still a 15 year old angst riddled boy living at home and swimming at ungodly hours each morning. This makes online profiles of any sort almost parodies of real life if they aren't properly maintained. Casual profiles made on whim stand just as strongly, shouting to the hills your words at that moment just as strongly six months or two years later. Text on a page doesn't fade. The passion and even the state of mind you write in it doesn't fade off web pages, it doesn't turn yellow and brittle either. Self representations online are so perfectly enduring that they often surprise even ourselves when we find them later.

Online representations are often like memoirs in that they allow us to portray ourselves through thought and words, but they are also distinctly different in that they're more alike to scribbles on scraps of indestructible paper than a formal published book. I was just thinking that today.

Locked Out

It kind of annoys me when teachers lock doors before classes start. I mean I get it, they don't want people coming in late and disrupting their class. I can see how that part would easily get annoying. I'd be a little insulted if my students never showed up on time. But on the other side of the coin it's not like students don't get charged for coming late. 'Late work not accepted' is an easy way to combat that. Just have stuff due at the beginning and don't take it late. And it's not like professors are grading machines, professors work with students all the time and I'd like to think it's easy to know who needs a break and who doesn't care about your class.

Exhibit A: I got locked out of my class today. Suffice to say, I'm ignored at the door. I miss a grade that was due at the beginning, I get counted 'absent' and arbitrarily lose more points, but ultimately I miss the lecture/discussion that I read up for and was actually looking forward to. This isn't a class I took because I'm trying to make a grade and graduate, it's actually the one that I was most excited about taking! And I'm hoping it applies toward a job! (Would I be overloading my hours otherwise? No. I'm lazy.) Of course after three days of it all I've gotten is bad juju. (._. ) * disappointments*

Locking the door, I can see why you'd do it, and professors are allowed to make up their classes however they want... but it still feels so... juvenile. Kind of like how showing to class late is juvenile? Yes. I'd say it's just about exactly that bad.

Snow!

I couldn't tell you if it's a Texas thing, but everyone gets really excited about seeing snow. Is it because snow is an indicator of uncomfrotably cold weather? Probably not. Is it because it's a subtle departure from their dull and mundane lives? Even I'm not that cynical. I think it's rooted in something closer to childish wonderment. Snow floats on air and drifts around, it's eye catching and just fun to watch. Enjoy the day! Behold one of mother nature's many screen savers!

Strength

I think Thanksgiving may be one of my favorite holidays. I just like the tone. Thanksgiving isn't a tv/radio advertisement guilt trip to make the general public feel obligated to go down a falate superstores and malls across the country. Thanksgiving is nothing but simple dinners with family. You just can't sex that up like you can Valentines day or Christmas. Thanksgiving is nice; being more thankful just feels so introspective and cleansing (and inexpensive).

I have a lot to be thankful for, but the things that I focus on have changed over the years. For years I used to say I was thankful for my house and having my own room and food and having a family and being able to drive myself places.. etc. My list has been changing a little over the past few years in particular though (a lot of things have). Last year was a year I really realized just how strong my family members are. My mom, dad, grandma, and grandpa have all lead full and successful lives that I had never really thought about collectively before. I can tell that a lot of that has passed onto my sister too. This year opened the scope even more. I've met and grown closer to people outside my family with a steady radiating glow of personal fortitude. It's not always obvious at first, but over time you can really see the hope, drive, love and success of people with less innate talent and less than perfect circumstances. You can't help but feel a little bit inspired. Having people like this willingly include me in their lives by choice is what I'm most thankful for this year.

Eyes

Cold weather makes me think. It’s good thinking weather. Maybe it’s because you can pretend that a storm is blowing in; prepare for the harsh elements on the way! Survival is key! November is the awesome month. This year, November is full of nothing but great event happening every single week. For whatever reason though, today a little bit of October slipped back in. Now I’m being all ‘contemplative’, particularly about what kind of outlook I should have. Despite what people will tell you, it’s not always best to have a entirely sunny and positive outlook on life; there’s no perfect way to view the world that’ll work magic. For instance, changing to more exhaustive outlooks is impractical if there are insufficient returns. All you’ll accomplish is burning yourself out, trust me I know. But there’s also a downside to just vomiting tar, it makes moments where you feel peaceful and happy a little sad because you know you’re pushing people away. I guess everything is a balance! The key is always remember why you choose a certain outlook in the first place. Finding a way to view the world is a means to an end, not an end to some means.

Artifact

I walked into my old room in San Antonio on Saturday night, home for the Sunday and tried to go to sleep. At 11:40 I heard a light beeping sound. It's been in my room for as long as I could remember, I've always thought it was a watch I lost somewhere with an alarm set. I went through several watches in high school in particular and I was big into setting alarms; I figured I set it for 11:40 am and the AM/PM thing got switched.. Anyway, I could never find it because of the way the beep echoes, it's impossible to tell which corner of the room it's coming from, and my room isn't even messy or anything!

By some weird coincidence I was able to tell where it was coming from that night. Turns out it wasn't a watch at all (which may be why I had trouble finding to start with). It was a really (really really) cheap PDA I got from sending in Cocoa Pebbles proof of purchases through the mail. I think I remember I ordered sent off for it because it was free and I just liked getting stuff in the mail back then (It was a lot of fun to have free junk delivered... I should start doing that again). I think I played with it for 30 minutes, obviously set an alarm, and then dropped it in a junk drawer. That was almost 10 years ago! This thing has been setting off that soft phantom watch beep alarm every night at exactly 11:40 pm since then!

I thought about how such an insignificant whim could just keep going and going on, as endless as needless. There aren't many things I took up in early high school that still keep going; blogs, stories, movies, books, ideas, ideals, dreams, plans for the future... most of those have undergone radical changes or been outright abandoned. This dumb thing though just kept enduring on for no reason. It made me think about what we really leave behind..

You're Wrong, But You're Right.

I've always looked up to my parents in a lot of ways. It took me leaving home to compare how strong they are to a lot of other people. I'm grateful of the one definite thing they managed to give me: a wide base of love and worth. That very thing has made some things hard these past two years. They might be outstanding, exceptional people, but they aren't perfect. They were wrong about a lot of things. And even then they were at least partially right about some of the things they were wrong on. I'm not sure exactly how I can have some conversations with them, but on some level knowing they love me trumps the need to even have them in the first place. Love and living are tricky like that.

March on to Your Crazy Tune

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me there always seems to be a divide between the individual (me) and the society. I'm not talking about ideals. Ideals are by their definition are unrealistic; they're perfect. I'm talking about the actual expectations, actions, feelings of culture, all those things and more rolled into one. A lot of them are created by majorities (even majorities of minorities) and I'd be lying if there wasn't a very distinct stark line between what that culture expects before it offers rewards of success and what I'm willing to give it. I imagine this type of thing is generic enough to be applied to a lot of people and situations. It doesn't answer really answer those feelings though. No one really wants to be an outsider, but if compromising to fit to society is impossible, then you have to find your own stride. That's a message that's as old as children's stories but something that a lot of so called adults forget: March on... to your own crazy tune.

Measureablely Learned

I took my first English exam today. I think I did okay with the exception of a fill in the blank section. Our professor, one of the most energetic and engaging professors I think I may have ever had, put a fill in the blank section on our exam because she felt it required students to actually have the tested information in their brains completely with full comprehension. Multiple choice questions only tested recognition, not cognition, and our class period isn't even an hour, making it far too short to have essays that aren't incomprehensible paper-vomit.

I agree with her that multiple choice questions only scratch the surface of actual comprehension. In a way, I'm always a little sad when professors rely on them so much for so called 'higher learning'. But at the same time I think fill in the blank questions are pretty bunky too. I lost somewhere between 16 and 20 points on questions that I feel like I comprehended everything but the verbatim word blurped out of the sentence. I don't like it. And then again at the same time, I can't think of any real way I could test students if I was a teacher, that would guarantee that they were comprehending and capable of using anything I was testing them on... forget only having 50 minutes to do it in. I would hope that teachers get studies and whatnot on what people say is the most effective... if I had to teach this conundrum would drive me bonkers.

Sleeping Ferrets

Ferrets are cute together because they sleep all the time and, to each other, friends are pillows and blankets!
Apply that rule to people and it gets creepy though...

Rain Waters the Flowers to Grow in Sunshine.

Ever have a mantra? I'm not scoping this towards religious chanting, but some little insightful saying that becomes something to live by. People compile books of those little warm and fuzzy blurbs. I don't think reading said books really does anything for anyone. It might provide a little pick-me-up, but it's too short lived or impacting to be a transformation. That's because mantras are journeys of personal exploration, where you learn about you in particular and how your actions impact the world around you. By analyzing yourself, where you are, and where you'd like to be in the perspective of self awareness, THAT is how you transform your life.

"If you wait for the whole apartment to smell like poop before you empty the litter box, the smell tends to linger something awful." Yeah, that's what I try to live my life by. Just sounds like something that needs to be engraved on a memorial somewhere.

Ice Skating

I don't think I've been ice skating since I was 5 years old. It's just something that's never interested me and I don't remember ever really having much fun. I never liked falling down on my butt when I was a kid and I would have rather have been somewhere warm. Plus there's no snow in ice skating. Mainly I just remember being stuck in uncomfortable shoes, hanging onto the wall, and scratching up ice crystals to make snowballs with... oh I remember that being hilarious.

Anyway, after listening to the new Owl City CD nonstop for about two weeks (half of the songs of which seem to do with icy things or explicitly ice skating) I decided that I wanted to go again. And so I got a whole new perspective on the sport. A mature adult perspective if I might so bold.

Ice skating has a lot of going in circles. I never processed that as a child. If almost anything but ice was out there, it'd look like the most boring, dumb activity ever. If it was just regular ground, and everyone went there to walk around in circles on it while music played, occasionally changing direction (oh how exciting) or watching as some extremely skilled walker went break dance spinning in the middle.. if that was the case, it'd be dumb as hell. Even something like a swimming pool does seem to fit. Ice skating rinks and how people act in them is unique because if it didn't involve ice, the Texan's worst enemy, no-one would see the point in it. But since it is Ice filling the rink, people find it acceptable to mill around in circles while a radio scratches in the background. Why? Because trying to move on ice is like juggle huge water balloons and trying to learn spanish.

I learned a valuable lesson trying to ice skate again: sometimes doing mundane and boring things is interesting when you put a handicap on it. I'm hoping my legs get stronger for next week, apparently its 2 for 1 on Thursdays and the price is already pretty cheap. Go figure.

Here's to falling! John

The World Under Boredom

Out of school and working part time has given me free time. Dare I say too much free time? I will say that I have been making weekly trips home to see family. Very recently I also managed to see most of the old high school friends I still talk to. I’ve met a few completely new people over the past few weeks and even managed begin to reacquaint with other people I briefly knew in passing (with the social grace of a caveman clubbing a mate to drag back to his cave, but what can you do?). The point is that I haven’t had a real ‘job’ occupying my time and that has lead to the dangerous pass time of thinking.

I don’t know where I’ll be in 10 or 20 years from now. I can’t even fathom what I’ll be doing when I’m 50… 60… 200 years old (I’ll never die, thank you modern medicine!) In a weird sort of mental MTV reality show, I get this weird comforting fantasy that once everything settles, I’ll move into a big house and I’ll share it with everyone I’ve ever met in my life. We’ll talk about old times and on the occasional down time from our jobs we’ll go out and do and see things. No one will get eliminated or voted off, although we’ll probably fight over who’s not doing the dishes (it’ll be me). More or less though we’ll get along and understand each other. Maybe that’s the weird sense of security I get from thinking about it. Maybe that’s what heaven’s like. Maybe if the house is big enough you could say that’s what the world is like. Maybe you could say that today’s world is a kind of heaven. Okay, now I'm scarring myself. I’m going to go for a run and go back to cleaning out my car.

Sad Good Day

Every now and then people enter your life who, while not perfect, are still strong individuals who exemplify love, experience, and determination. Of course these kinds of people will never stay in your life as much as you'd like, but what you have to remember is that you're lucky to have ever known them at all.

Productivity

With Statistics finally over, you would think I would jump directly into projects and work and make a good use of my time. You would think and it would be a fantasy. I'm not looking forward to retirement just because it means that I won't have a regular job to keep me purposefully moving on a normal schedule; heaven only knows what grumpy old man I'll be when I have nothing to do all day AND I have joint pain.

Relationships

Relationships sure are tricky. Especially romantic relationships. Society today puts a high value on them, but at the same time doesn't exactly define what they're good for. Some say its about property, kids, God, or never ending love, but these all fail as even general catch all definitions.

By far, the most popular definition of a successful relationship is eternal looove. While desirable, it ultimately turns for an idea to live for into an ideal that marks failure. When you try to implement 'eternal' anything for the sake of a constant never ending presence, you get an inevitable life span race; here, a romantic relationship is really seen as a success only when one of the pair croaks. If two people are romantically involved and don't separate until they die, it's a success. If two people are romantically involved and separate due to living conditions, the relationship is a failure. Most people would agree with the above if they blindly subscribe to the idea eternal romance. As examples of success and failure, the above examples are as clear cut as they come, the trade scenarios.

Develop that logic further, and one can begin to encounter less complete social solidarity and can even risk cognitive dissonance. By this logic, if two people are romantic, and one partner is abusive to the other but they stay together regardless until the abused commits suicide, that relationship is a success! If a couple stays together for a period of time and then calmly separates because they both find they don't love each other romantically like they used to anymore, then their relationship is an utter failure despite a lack of any injury.

If a young couple gets married and one partner dies a week later in a car accident? SUCCESS! What if an middle aged couple finds they've drifted apart after marrying young and then decided to separate? The 10-15 years of 'successful-not-dead-yet' relationship time are null and void as FAILURE.

I think its ridiculous to go out looking to make romantic relationships only worth something if they haven't been proven to end yet (or treating Death as a gold star to put on your relationship resume). People enter into relationships because they feel like they get something from them; if both people find themselves happy and their lives are enriched by having experienced that relationship, then I would say that it was a success (even if people didn't die soon enough to make it popularly official). I might be naive and immature, but I look for relationships as a boon for personal growth than a 'lets keep this thing chugging for the sake of officialdom' GigaPet. No one really liked GigaPets. They got annoying.

Ramble Elderly

When I think of growing old, I'm always filled with a mixture of eagerness and dread. I think of all the time I have left; all the things I want to do and all the experiences waiting to happen. It makes me want to simultaneously sit down and study for everything and jump up, run around flailing in excitement. I also look at the slow drawn out death a lot of elderly people are doomed to. Moving gets painful, the mind and memories become endangered, and various systems just get worn out. It makes me want to sulk in my room and not venture outside for fear of incurring injury, wear, and tear.

Although people die in a multitude of ways, more commonly now it's not a digital switch. There isn't a stark line between vibrant life and resting death. Thanks to modern technology a new class has emerged, allowing many to slowly settle into more of a 'vibrant death'.

When I was younger, I looked at modern medicine as a way to prolong life, and certainly it does. But it's not the yellow brick road to immortality I once imagined it to be. I would argue that in spite of any level of technological advancement it won't ever be anything more than a delay of the inevitable. One might say its because of the way modern medicine markets itself (more endures than cures, if I might rhyme). I could even believe that on a subconscious level, no one really wants to live forever. I think its misleading to think of life continuing equally and indefinitely until pronounced dead. It belittles the opportunities of the present day to assume a person will always be capable of doing whatever they want.

I firmly believe that the quality of life cannot be guaranteed simply by pretending there's infinite sand in the hour glass and deluding yourself that there will always be more time for things later. Rather each advancement should be seen as birthing opportunities instead of delaying death. Nursing homes are proof enough that an EEG doesn't guarantee a person is still living.

Giving Kids an Edge

Television and books for kids today feels different than I remember. Starting in late elementary school, I began reading what became the most influential book series for my teen years. Don't laugh. Animorphs.
Animorphs had everything a preteen kid could want in a book series. It had action, violence, imagination, and most importantly, a heaping dose of angst. I was drawn into the series for its casual dialogue, cookie cutter drama, and it's descriptions of kids transforming into animals to fight evil aliens (seriously how cool is that?). Unlike many other similar kids series however, a gradually changing mood coursed of all 50-something books, lending an immense amount of depth to the series as a whole. What I remember most about Animorphs now is that it was the first story whose ending utterly disgusted me when I read it. It was well written, pertinent to wrapping up the story, and it single-handedly destroyed every single one of the characters I grew up loving.

With its ending, Animorphs became the first story I was completely engaged in that ended on the complete opposite side of where I wanted it to end. It would probably be melodramatic to say that was my moment of disillusionment, but certainly it was the first story that ended with a jarring outside-the-story-book-world message. Six kids manage to uphold their friendships and moral ideals when united by a common goal as a guerrilla force focused on surviving the war until help can arrive. But a war of difficult, mind breaking decisions takes its toll when the time comes to finally end it; the aftermath leaving the survivors detached and unfucntionable in the world they save. Lately I looked at what is marketed to kids of the same age and I don't see anything comparable to my old Animorphs.

Is society drifting away from harsh "reality" themes for more pleasing cultural ideals or am I just too distant from what kids are reading? I'm optimistically inclined to think the later, but realistically I think probably both.

Nintendo Fitness.

Nintendo unveiled an upgrade to it's WiiFit product, which was put on the market just a short year and a half ago. Rather than being a lone incident, I would say that the prevalence of similar games show that actual physical fitness is something doomed to be further integrated in video game culture. Video Games originated with black and white pixels that came with explanations. That triangle, well that's a space ship; those blocky things? Those are asteroids. It's since progressed into an enveloping 3D immersion of simulated life and stories. Realistic graphics and physics marketed to sell do nothing but invite players with a breif glimpse a better life. Sandbox RPGs especially, with stunning graphics and customizable human characters as the perfection of humanity are the crux of the industry rising to meet consumer's demands of personal perfection. It only makes sense that the next step players finding themselves wondering is how to translate this utter bliss into their real life. Visiting the zoo and looking at happiness though shatter proof glass just isn't enough anymore.

Nintendo in particular has begun to answer this call. The WiiFit was advertised to be an entertainment game that would direct physical fitness novices toward a healthier and assumeidly more fulfilling lifestyle. I say 'advertise' because much like all other forms of exercise equipment, the Wiifit more often than not fails in itself to make any real changes in the lives of it's buyers. Once the novelty wears off, it lays dusted over and forgotten tucked under the TV. In spite of this failure the market still exists and Nintendo keeps trying to reach out and satisfy the desires of a video crowd no longer content to play in a virtual world at the expense of their physical real world existence.

Wiifit, My Weight Loss Coach, and My Fitness Coach are only early iterations of what could be a passing trend, but I what I think is more likely the next evolution of video games. The Wiifit is getting a new iteration, the Wiifit Plus and even the upcoming Pokmeon games age getting in on the act; HeartGold and SoulSilver, which will come with a separate pedometer into which a single Pocket Monster can be loaded into and trained by the steps you take outside in the real world. I have to say that I approve of this shift. The video game market presents the unique opportunity to allow much of the hardware necessary for light exercise and information to be largely available; the software can be easily distributed. Perhaps most importantly the market is already willing to try out such trends so long as they promise an enjoyable experience. Playing with a balance board or 'walking' Pokemon peripherals aren't going to single handily end the obesity epidemic, but I see nothing but positive outcomes for expanding and developing this market.

After spending nearly a year with the first WiiFit, I can see a future iteration of the Wiifit being successful as a fun and interactive daily guide towards more physical fitness in the lives of Americans. But only if it changes to meet additional criteria. At the top of the list of things to change is putting in a more accurate evaluation system. Currently the Wiifit bases it's judgment of Obese, Overweight, Normal, Underweight, etc off of the user's BMI; it compares an ideal weight to height and does not consider normal proportioned more skinny or thicker body types as acceptable. Automatically this discourages a large proportion of users. No matter how effectively they implement their workout, their healthy weight can be deemed by the system as inappropriate. This system does not encourage prolonged use. Also, the Wiifit sacrifices the customization one might expect from a video game marketed as 'fun' for a one size fits all, unchanging screen from which one can select individual workouts. A future system needs the ability to create, save, and track full workouts instead of relying the user to make up a new one at every use. Lastly, the Wiifit fails to take advantage of the other huge difference between a modern console game and a Bowflex (or other infomercial machine): connectivity.

If there's one thing that discourages people most while seeking fitness its the lonely discouragement of thinking you're the odd man out. The thing is though, is that most everyone is the the odd man out. The odd mans out is the majority. If users who don't have the metabolism and genetics to become a Greek God (or Goddess... ladies...) only knew just how unashamed they should be, who knows some of them might actually enjoy a little exercise. The Wiifit made a halfhearted effort in this direction by showing all the users on a single Wii on the home screen with graphs marking weight losses and gains, but this mock attempt fails to connect people as needed for encouragement and instead just leads to envy. I'd like to see a friend system established, allowing you to send compliments to online friends for fulfilling their weight goals or at least some regional averages to showing realistic expectations; the other people rowing in your boat.

We're All Victims Apparently...

I get tired of watching TV. It's not because of commercials; no for every racial minority McDonalds hires to sing their jingle in an obvious effort to appear more urban-hip, Sonic or Skittles gives me something not half bad. No, I get tired of watching TV because in a misguided effort to pretend to be informed I turn to the talking heads of 'newsish' TV.

Let me say that I'm not an intellectual. I don't have the attention span to cannnnnndy. I don't have the attention span to actually keep up with on going stories for long enough periods of time to really feel like I understand them completely. Instead I more or less wade through the wide diversity of pressing issues I'm presented with in the news as though someone asked me for my gut-uninformed-opinion. Everything from 'obesity is a growing problem' to the endless, bloody civil war in Shrilanka is categorized in vague pigeon holes between 'Duh!' and 'I feel like watching Peanut Butter more often'.

I get sick and tired of everyone on TV claiming they're the victim. There are victims of poverty, victims of murder, and one could even extend that to larger minorities such as gays, blacks, and black gays. The loudest whiners though don't belong to any minority group; the spokesperson for the majority keeps using its more widespread sympathy and influence to whine the most nail-grating temper tantrum imaginable. It's so ridiculous that large empowered groups of people holding the majority over spans of the US are somehow being kept under the thumb of the (little) man. Christianity, the most popular(ly crazy) religion in the US is now being attacked by the gays. The new supreme court appointment was an affirmative action pick to persecute the often down trodden white male American. This is all so ridiculous. The only thing more ridiculous is the fact that people actually start believing it all. The last time I went home all I heard about was the travesty of Mz California losing her right of free speech.

'it's a sign of how we are all losing our rights to stand up for beliefs'
It's depressing when the adults around here act really stupid.